Beginners guide part 2: most common mistakes you want to avoid as a beginner *Warning - harsh language*

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  • Skål! - And welcome to my guide on: how to not be a stupid, degenerate brainspasm of a general!

    I am Magnus Dogtosser. I'm an Imperial Guard of the so called great Empire of Sonnstahl.

    Unfortunately this army is lead by a stupid effin' mental case of a general - You! You must have been born in some upper class recluse, with only access to books, scrolls and gold inlead glasses - and have never, ever held an axe in your hand, waded through flaming fields or eaten dried skink meat for days. All theory and no experience!
    Our only blessing is, that the other armies we've faced so far, have been lead by the same kind of encephalon sinkholes, as you.

    Well, my comrades; brothers in and with arms, voted me to be their spokesperson, and write to you, our dear fallable general, and give some words of truth! This is my guide to you on what stupid stuff you are not supposed to put us through. I know this won't get through your paperthin skull at once, but I do expect you to learn from your mistakes. Bring this list of brainfarts with you at all times, and look through it every time you're about to open your wordgap or plan something 'theoretical'. If you're about to do anything on this list - anything - just stop what you're doing, and try to learn the meaning of the word "consequence".

    I've asked for a translater, who can translate true words to: "theory".

    Now - THE LIST!

    1: It started bad - even before battle. You're not much for the whole magic stuff, are you? Well, if you want magic, either bring it or don't! One 2. rank wizard with nothing but his pants, won't get you anywhere!

    Translation gnome:
    Due to the nature of how magic dice are generated, if you only bring two spells in your army, your opponent will almost alway be able to dispel your two spell. You need to be able to make your opponent prioritize his dispel dice - and to be able to do that, you need to bring more spell. Either bring at least 4 or bring none.

    2: Ok, so... Do you play cards? We, the soldiers, need you to start gambling! Join us in a game of Dunghole this evening, and we will hand you a lesson in strategy. A strategy that is so easy that you might be able to grasp the meaning... A simplifiaction of the rules – 2 players. Each are dealt 26 cards. You need to win the most hands. Ace is highest, 2 is lowest. Now this is how you play... I play a 2 and you play a king. I play a 3 and play a ace. Sure, you win some hands, but you won't win the game. When you're out of kings, queens and aces, what will you beat my knight with? You need to save your ace for my king, or at least my queen. You don't get any points for how much you beat my 2 with. Understand? Do you get what I'm saying, you dimwit? Prioritize your ressources. If I play an ace, you want to cancel my ace with a 2, so you don't lose a king to it. Well, this is so simple – it's almost too simple!

    Translation gnome:
    When you've seen what the opponent brings to the battle, you need to get an overview of what can beat what. Are there any rock/paper/scissor battles that you want to seek or avoid? Are there a lot of points in one unit that you can easily annialate? Build you strategy towards this. Now, the most silly thing to do, is take a good combat unit against a suppreme combat unit. Don't do that! You'll lose a lot of points. Don't seek battles where you ”lose, but at least get some kills”. Better to chaff that unit if you can't kill it. If it is an imperiative for you to kill that unit, you need to bring in support – buff wagons, flank charges and the like. Build your strategy around it, if you want to spend many ressources on it. The thing Magnus wants to get you thinking: does your opponent have a unit level ”11” - if you have a unit level ”3” that can still counter that unit – DO IT! And you don't want to spend your 700 pt deathstar on petty scraps of meat. You want it to either control the battlefield or just grind meat and earn its worth.

    3: Let me tell you about another general, who got his a** kicked. This elf bastard was riding some monstrosity of a dragon. Never seen one this huge – teeth as long as one of my arms. He looked like this - behold the talents of a true craftsman!

    Well, I had, as always, planted my feet in the frontrank of my 40 man squad, and couldn't take my eyes of this beast. Just standing there trying not to piss my pants.So, the conehead on the dragon charges us. Luckily, I was on the far side of the squad... But, at the same time as the dragon rams into Ben and Gibb (Sunna bless their souls), this flock of grass eaters also charges us with their sharpened pokers and starts stabbing and thrusting for our throats. It won't work mister pointy ears – see the steel collar on my battle suit?
    The long story short, Ben, Gibb and some others that deserved it more, got torn to pieces by the dragon fella', while twenty or so spear guys managed to stab Jimm in his gut.
    That's not enough to make us lose our cool. We've got Bob on that arcane engine screaming our ears off, and we turn all redeyed and tear those elves to pieces. We're just going havoc on their elven skins, and shreds them to chips. A pulp of elves just lying on the ground, and then the poor bastard on the dragon sees it and, you know, elves don't have the stomach for that kind of expressive behavior, so he loses it and runs away screaming, crying for his mother and dragon all with its tail behind its legs runs for cover and never comes back. I tell ya', if that dragon had charged us by itself, I wouldn't be standing here today. Luckily the general was stupid enough to give me and my comrades the ingredients for a lovely elf-pudding, to make the general throw up and forget about fighting – at least for that day.

    Translation gnome:
    In 9th age, more isn't necessary better. What Magnus is saying is – a Highborn elf general on an ancient dragon will have a better oportunity to beat a group of infantry men alone, than if he is joined by cheap vulnarable infantry (in this case elven spearmen). Maybe the dragon causes 7 wounds, and the infantry causes 1 wound. The backswing of the charged unit (this case, imperrial guard unit and a buffwagon to support) might kill 12 elven spearmen, thus the elves lose in regards to combat resolution. The imperial guard unit wouldn't cause many wounds on the dragon alone – and would lose the combat (but still be steadfast, mind you!).
    Basicly – don't play from your gut feeling. It's not always better to pile in more units in a combat if you want to win the combat – it can backfire. Do calculations before charging. More on quick maths in another chapter.

    4: Now, I know you have to compensate for the lack of stones in your scrotum sack. But please, don't take it out on us. I've been against the odds more than once, and listen, I'm tough as nails, but even I run, after I've been pummeled to the ground by 20 ogres. I really don't want to ends my days in the stomach of a sumo-fiend. A good general knows when to take a battle and when to avoid it.Why take the charge when you can see we will lose it?!? It doesn't make you more manly in any of the perceivable manly ways that exists! Winning is what matters – losing won't win you the man-game.

    Translation gnome:
    Flee with a unit if it makes sense! If you refuse to use this option, you won't win many games, unless you build your list excatly around this – example: WDG wrath list, that can't flee, but compensates for this by being insanly brutal.

    5: This will sound really weird. Before we begin a battle, some gods, mathematicians, engineers or whatever they are, measure the battlefield. When the battle begins, there is ONLY the battlefield. Everything outside is where the world ends! We soldiers don't like to be outside the world, but we enjoy pushing the enemy of the world edge. Don't make us stand with our backs against the world edge!!! It's frightening as hell!

    Translation gnome:
    Be very careful of where you place your troops close to the table edge. Remember – units fleeing units flee directly away from the unit that charges it. Thus – dont place your troops in a direction that will leed your unit to flee of the table edge. You'll lose it – no matter the cost – if it flees of the table. Use the boarder to your advantage. It's very common to think only in how far away a unit needs to be from another unit, to avoid getting caught. But, you need to think of which direction it will flee too...

    • More to come!

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